i just wanna soil my oats bro
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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