I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
