He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
