All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
