Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
