do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
