I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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