Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
