so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
