He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
