OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
