i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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