hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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