Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
