Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
