I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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