My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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