I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
