Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
