My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
