South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
