all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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