You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
