Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
