Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
