I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
