We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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