no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
