Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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