So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
