He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
