LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
