I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
