Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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