eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
