My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
