Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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