Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
