I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
