I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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