omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
