her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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