i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
