Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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