I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
