Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
