OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
