i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Terrible idea I love it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
