mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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