its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
As shirtless as possible
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
